A time for pushing through...

... its early spring, I think,
I'm never quite sure of the official date but the land is being all springful,
but this is like the hardest time for me. My head is kind of caving in and I feel
like I have a constant silent scream going on inside and like all my cells are resonating
at a higher frequency than usual and I can hear their high pitched hum.

but this is a time to push on through, like the bulbs through the ground.

Pointy, Gnarly AND Barnically

The other day I was on the beach with,
A large pot of bubbles and a silly hat,
As I stood on the bleachers i let the wind blow the bubbles,
An I wondered...

...Maybe this was how God created the universe,
With like Cosmic Holy bubble mix and the Breath of The Holy spirit,
So instead of being fragile like the bubbles the wind was blowing,
They became the planets,
Racing on accross the universe,
Still going now (bubbles travel fast, I couldn't out run them, a cheeta probably could!)...

...I also found a stick,
It was pointy, gnarly and barnically...

BRILLIENT !

We Shrove....

....I just love pancake day, it is my favourite day of the whole year.

Thats about all I have to say on the matter,

Apart from: thanks to those who shrove with me,

For now we are all Shriven!

Amen!

An observation (or maybe an assumption) I made today is that it must be really annoying being a bird trying to fly during a hale storm.

Old Shoe Boxes and friends

I was reminded yesterday about the brillience of old shoe boxes.
The ones that are tucked away at the bottom of the wardrobe.

Full of treasure.

You open them and memories fill your mind with longing,
and your heart sighs, you find things you thought you would never forget,
And they surprise you again as you remeber...

Its like hanging out with brillient friends,
The ones you dont see for ages, but when you do,
you open the old shoe box in your head,

And are surprised as you remember...

...End is only Temporary

I'm exhausted, from pushing my way through a small hole in space, I find myself having to deal with gravity again and this is hard work.

Its been nearly a year since I was here, and I have enjoyed the holiday. But decided that I should start this up again. The "To Let" sign has been uprooted and the dust covers have been removed from the furnature.

"Some stones are so heavy only silence helps you carry them." (Anne Michaels)

Sorry but no more blogg entries from me

This is not going to be updated, but it feel wierd leaving it hanging there. A bit like an old bit of tinsel that just gets left. Will it ever disapear? Is there like a blogg hoover that will suck it right out of ciber space into the void beyond. What is the void beyond ciber space. Where do things go when you loose them or wipe them here. Do they truelly no longer exist. Or is it like the polar ice caps were all the pollutants and crap of our industrialised world end up and build up.

Am feeling really raw today as I saw a film called Turtles can fly.

And I only found out about the existance of a beautiful man Martin Bennit after he died. But the world is truelly a better place for him being in it. I always seem to turn up at the end of stuff and never the begining. So here I am at the end of this, I was at the begining to so I just disproved myself, but it still feels like that.

BYE.......

Apologies to pepper for blaming him for my blog invasion. I will have to settle for never really knowing who ARGH is. Well hey yeterday was interesting, went to see if i could move into a convent to be a temporary nun, they wouldn't have me. Infact I think the nice mother I spoke to thought I was totally nuts, which is cool in a sence as she is now praying for my back slidden catholic soul!!! Anyhoo so now I must settle for being a FEmonk, or as I prefere to call myself a "WOmonk." I know monk isn't nowadays gender specific, but its conotations are that of male, so I have genderised it sorry if this worries or offends anyone, for I essentially know that I am an Emily and WOmonk is just a description of what I am aspiring to at the moment. So I am going to be a mead making, fun loving, whole lot of WOmonk....

Not a good day for....

.... Be-comb-overed gentlemen.

I have seen many a flash of shinning bald spots uncloaked
with hairy foliage perched atop mear cat like.

Good day for me though, have laughed quite alot!!!

Mead I say more...

The clouds like my thoughts today are moving really fast.
Back at uni, but not officially, my lecture hasn't been cancelled it actually never really existed.
Just debating with my self whether or not to watch AKIRA in on of the wee booths in the library. But I think I will struggle to concentrate, and sit for however long it lasts.
Have been researching mead recipes they are quite varied. Will have to research wine making and do it like a wee science experiment, but it takes a long time so it will be a risk if it goes wrong so a small batch of maybe a gallon to start with maybe the best way to go. Am excited at this prospect it will be like growing plants but the outcome is not guaranteed probably a lesson in there somewhere. Need to find some good honey to start with.

IT AMAZES ME....

...How quickly a strangers house can feel like home.

How other peoples kids can feel like family.

How conversations can be born out of poetry, and poetry out of conversations.

That writting can last 1000s of years.

How a best friend makes life feel like an adventure even when nothing happens.

....... And then she woke up and realized it was all a dream.

All the stories that I wrote as a child (and there were quite a few) end like that.
The hero of the story was just a child dreaming. I am really not at all sure where I got that concept from? Maybe I was actually afraid of my imagination and where it took me or embarrassed by it. Was it a way of me clarifying to my elders and wisers that

"I know this can't really happen. See she woke up...."

I am realizing that I was always the character in my stories.
Though in reality I didn't sleep well as I child, I would wake in the night after having a nightmare, and get out of bed and sit outside my parents room. I was afraid to go in, in case they got angry because I woke them, just sitting outside their room felt safer than if I was in bed as I was afraid of going back to sleep. Funny thing is as an adult I spent six years trying to do nothing but sleep, being awake was more scary than being asleep. Weird cause when I did eventually wake up I realized unfortunately that it hadn't all been a dream....

The mist swam above the sea, carrying in each drop the fragrance of wood smoke and winter.

I played a slow game with the tide, chasing it out, standing on the concrete slabs as it licked around them. Chasing it further out as it grew more shy. I reached the yellow pole, my hands felt its barnacles and rust. I slung my arm around it like I would an old friend or a new friend. And we stood, me and the barnacley pole and I chatted with my creator- talking into the mist.

I told him of my fears, my hopes, my feelings that I don't deserve his grace and favor as much as he lavishes them on me, but I said it with fear that he could just withdraw it all at anytime.

I know that my inheritance is safe in him, and that I am living already in eternal life, but I also know that I signed up for hardship, pain and persecution- to share the cross, and yeah there is a part of me (a big part) that hopes this will never come.

What if all that I love and hold dear other than God was taken from me. Sometimes I wonder if I try not to love and hold things dear.

Morning...........

Today I realised that the pain I feel when I see my familly is my anger at God when I just wonder God what the fuck are you doing. Can't you give them a break. And then I don't want to see them cause I don't want to think this of you God, but I do just want to scream, then run away and not see them, then like tonight I see my Dad and I love him, and see Mum and I love her, and I just break inside when I see how hard they try, and how much they give out but still stuff is just so crap for them somthimes and I just want them to be happy, I just want things to go right for them for once, but it never seems to and it guts me, totally.....
Worst thing is I know I am meant to pray for them but I don't, haven't for about a month. I don't know what to pray, or how too.

Lord Please please please help them to find joy in their pain, and hope in there struggles. Thank you for the Hope that I have in you, all that you have done for me. You are amazing well you created the world, and yeah sorry I don't help to keep it beautiful. Holy Spirit I need you, more of you, when I am week your strength is made perfect..Phew thats a bit lucky. Lord that means your strength is made perfect in this situation too thank you. Amen

"A padded embroidered toilet seat"

Whats it all about???

Why don't I feel safe unless I have my back to a wall? Or an arm rest between me and the person I am talking to.

How do you do conversation? One minute your not talking, can't think of a word to say.
Then suddenly swept up in this wave of words that are just rushing to be said, then as quickly as they come they go, but even as you're speaking, you are wondering how its actually happening, where are they forming, somtimes it makes you laugh as you're speaking, and then you just have to say sorry, and try and explain that you're laughing because its just so wierd.

Talking's a real effort, so you'll have to excuse me if I don't do small talk..............

His name's Jimmy, and he has feelings too...

A few pence was all he had, but they didn't see its relevance, they only saw it as a few pence, they were just going to leave it were he had slumped down.
They searched for something to identify him, it was a label tied round his neck on a bit of string.
He was ill, needed comfort, but they saw his shabby cloths and smelt the acrid smell of incontinence, and shouted at him. If he had worn a suit they would have offered him comfort and not just treatment.
It made me cry, its making me cry now thinking of it.
Jesus I just pray that where they didn't show him kindness that you would in his loneliness hold him. And when he is sent back into the cold air, that he wouldn't feel it for your warmth and love would penetrate it.................Amen

.......green glass in the foot, and a wet hat

As I woke i saw the faint smudge of a print from yesterday it was on my hand it said

UNDERWORLD

It seemed like the most sensible place to be last night. It rounded off a six part adventure nicely.

Woke at what I thought was 7 to a cup of tea which i thought was great went to the kitchen made my lunch feeling smug that I was so on the ball, and as I turned round my eyes fell on the clock on the fireplace it said 6:05.

BUGGER!! I honestly thought I had managed to go without this happening this year but I am happy to say now looking back that I'm glad that this is the 10th time in the past 5 years in a row that I have been caught by the changing of time!!

Pinch punch and all that..........................

Corrosion..........

Today i feel like the spoon............ I don't bend.

Today i don't underestand the matrix.

Truth and lies, sometimes they can be so close, sometime one mingles with the other, lies hiding in the shadow of truth, weaving around it. Does this make the truth that is spoken along side the lie any less of the truth or is it not truth at all, does it become null and void, if so how many times have I lied, or corrupted the truth with an unknown lie.........

Cleverly disguised as not bumbling!!!!!!

As the sound fills my mind, it wanders...
..Along a beach, rolled up trouser legs,
Sand between toes of feet that have been bare all day.
Stepping into tarry water side by side.
Watching the lights strip the willow with the waves-
Orkadian style.
Each moment lasts a lifetime,
Yet rushes on by as tracks play.

My mind shifts now to a street,
As we dance along.
On and off the pavement, side by side.
Music in only one side of my mind,
The other side flicks with possibilities,
I just try to slow my breathing.
happiness rises inside.
I feel my Creator so near.
A broad grin across my face-
Its there even now.

Then to the deck of a ship I go,
Watching the sun bow to the day.
Then slip behind the curtain of dusk-
The colours, the sounds.
Hat on the head warmth,side by side.
Red hoodies pulled tight.
The wake of the boat, awakens me,
From the slumber of unexpectancy.
As it is, it lasts forever.

Then my mind shifts to the stratered rock,
Golds, pinks and browns.
Tunes in one ear, sounds of the sea in the other.
The rock, a cleft holding memories.
With hope that the tide will come in and lap our toes.
Sleep comes easily, but is brief.
I open my eyes and realize.
I can have these moments,
wherever, whenever,
Until the track ends that is.........................

Lets make like a tree and.............

My blog reflects the identity crisis I am having. I now have no desire for pink anywhere on my blog. What does this mean, and no i haven't just seen sence ( you know who you are!!!) But I need help i am loosing myself like the tree looses its leaves. I need a hug................

I have gone a bit less pink, just for those who find it painfull to read due to the excessive pinkness. However in doing so I got a bit muddled oops but I decided to leave it cause i just can't be arsed to try and work it out.

Its amazing when you get somewhere and realise its Gods plan that you are there. And he has sent ahead a message so that there is a random box of rose pouchon waiting for you, purchased a while ago for the simple reason of "I just thought I should dear, I've never seen it before, it just jumped right out at me, why do you like it?" "Yes mum only very much!" Cause lets face it tea is important, God knows this, he knows everything about us even careing for the detail of our favourite tea at the moment.

Leah is brillient, i am just brimming over with love for her. She rocks.

Dad bought a stone polishing machine, it takes a month to polish stones it just spins round and round stones bumping of each other and the grit scrapes them till they are smooth. I feel a bit like a stone in the machine at the moment. They look cool after a month though.

Wow it feels great to be free of those shackles.

I have challanged Lindle to insert a random word into 25% of all of his conversations this coming week. So there is a prize if anyone can guess which this random word is from its seemingly innocent insertion into his conversations with you.

Answers to me on a post card!!!


"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."

They lied......................

i have a new blog

http://barefootthroughlife.blogspot.com

The Mega bus lesson- unconcluded as yet and full of many bumblings sorry,

" ...the next best thing to playing and winning is playing and looseing...." Allison Krauss

I think I kind of like her logic its from a song called The Lucky One.

With my ability to pray at an all time low - dragging down with it all Faith and reason and will to get out of bed. I set out armed with some clothes a diskman and three trance CDs, oh and most importantly 2 pillows (which fold supprisingly small due to the high woolworth quality)
All this because I was too impatient to wait for tuesdays adventure i set of to the Big Smoke on the imfamous Mega bus.

I remembered the other day as i stood at the bus stop near uni, the first time i had stood there over a year and 1/2 ago. It seemes so familiar now, but it made me aware of how sharp the feel of unfamiliarity is and how much I like it the sharpness makes everything seem more real, I nottice everylittle detail, and my memory is such that with familiarity comes a certain level of blindness to what is actually there, Instead of knowing it better i know it less as it becomes excepted and normalised and I stop looking so deeply. I think I do this with people, I know now that I do this with God, I begin to take his presence for granted. I need fresh awe everyday, God help me to see everything as new and fresh everday and not take you and every thing for granted so that I don't actually miss what is there. Amen

See with this journey stuff I know where i am going, I know how long it will take roughly, i know the cost (well sort of, my overdrawn overdraft paid it so I haven't yet but ignore this factor for a mo, I know the cost i will eventially pay, Very cheep actually is this Mega bussing but boy do I now know why. I know other things will happen if I let them but i hate predictabilitty, I hate routine and lack of it I live in this paradoxical(might not be the right word but hey) world where what I need frustrates me but with out it I feel lost ..... any way i have bumbled enough. Its great to see my friends, topped up the tan a bit and had a picnic.

PEACE

TURRET LIFE

Yeh I live in a turret even if it is only for a week.

Yeh I feel insane but this doesn't doesn't matter as long as there is no-one to see!!!

Yeh I am eating home made soda bread with Mrs. Darlington's lemon curd and marmite!

Yeh I am drinking rose pouchon tea.

Yeh today is a good day to be alive.

PEACE to you all.

To the eye the yellow flower has past its best, yet still it clings on to its existance, soot covered and ageing, yet still beautifull because it did what it was created to do, alone and four stories up growing out of a chimney stack.

And maybe, just maybe after its year alone its death will see that many will bloom in that place and all because it was brave enough to stand alone shinning out the GLORY of GOD to those lucky enough to have notticed or blessed enough to have their gaze led to that spot by others.

So stand firm brave little flower for your creator chose for you to be there and you are not alone for I have seen you and loved you and I will weep at your passing. But will celebrate praising GOD for the fruit of your existance.

Thank you for teaching me about OUR FATHER.

Hello...............
I love you all very much.
Yep that includes YOU
and YOU and indeed YOU
And yess YOU can consider yourself amoungst the
YOU'S to
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Are you feeling the love I do hope so.

I am watching lightning trying to cut the sky, but the sky is not having any of it. It keeps on yelling at the lightning in an angry voice. I am drinking lapsang out of one mug and aspro clear out of another, its just been one of those days.

Today I am struggling to find someone to share my path, I long to be out there, but am wanting to share out there with someone. Don't even know what out there actually is today. All I know is that its just not in here.

Anyway I guess its the rain it does funny things to me. It does funny things to my feet!! They are still slightly green even after a shower. One good thing about the rain is the way the ground feels underneath my bare feet.

Prayed dressed in a bin bag and did a backspin in a pool of paint at 2.30am...................... my toes look funny all green with my metalic pink nail varnish shining through.

I am loving the freedom I have in God, knowing who I am in him is amazing.

I am sleepy now but don't want the night to end even though it is 9.25am. I can see a yellow flower growing out of a chimney stack , I love it when things are in places they shouldn't be able to survive. If God can make a chimney stack bloom then he can make the meadows bloom again........

Have found some of my cwmbroighi, and had the guts to tell them!!!

I love to walk with bare legs and feet in the mist....

Edinburgh is misty, I pray that the Holy Spirit will move like this mist around this city, the city of my heart.

Come Lord Jesus Come, bind up the broken hearted of this city, set its captives free,

Come Lord Jesus Come, bind up Edinburgh's broken heart and set Edinburgh free from captivity.

Have mercy on this city oh Great and mercyfull God,

In the precious name of Jesus,

AMEN <><

And help he did.

Now why does it supprise me so much that God cares about the little things like helping me in exams even when I forgot about it and only spent one day revising. If it was me I would be inclined to think along the lines of " Now do you actually deserve this Emily " But our heavenly father doesn't think like this. He delights in us, thats properly good and more than just a little cool.

I realised today that the PEACE approach works because HE is The Prince of Peace. Thank you all so much for the prayers because this I believe is the key to effective Peace approaching:- bathe it in prayers. I am utterly blessed today by your prayers.

I think we have to enter Gods peace by faith even when we don't feel peace, it is a concious act of faith, kind of our decision. See I'm bumbling, I said I would!!!!

HELP......................................

It dawned on me today at midday that I have my Human physiology resit on Monday at 9.30am I haven't looked at my books since april. So to show my fear who was boss I went back to bed for 4 1/2 hours slept like a baby. I am going to try the peace approach!!!

But I just have to say How Great is Our God, I am so blessed today as prayers have been answered, thank you for your Faithfullness God You Rock... amen

today reinforced my belief that it is important to find people to play with.

Blue flashes in the dark as we spin and jump wowwwumm yep me and the lindle spent a fare time playing no i mean battling with light sabers. I mastered a one handed cartwheel with light saber spin action it was cool, we had fun. My roof is just waiting for the rematch. Played poker I'm crap as I can't lie with out looking guilty. I need to perfect my poker face.

Can an introvert suddenly become an extrovert?

Skirts that billow when you spin are brillient especially when they are made with clashing pannels of colour and shape. Has anyone else notticed that things don't seem to clash anymore not in the bad way they seemed to in the photos of the clothes our parents forced us to wear as children.

I cycled back on the community bike of destiny, it rocks but its got no lights, so I used the light sabers at the back. Got shouted at for not having lights, did he not know I was useing the force!

Standing on a red bench at the back of a ferry. Watching the land shrink away, knobbly bits of jutting rock. Mellow but banging tunes direct to my ears, I danced my dance to the tune of this day, and it was a good day. I looked with wonder and awe at my creaters handy work. You know when your heart feels like it will burst, well I had this I know I am very lucky. Thank you Jesus.
The water was so clear I could see hundreds of jelly fish, I showed this random little boy and we stood on deck watching them for a few minutes he went to get his mum to show her so I stuck my head phones back on and danced some more. Yeh

I saw a white moth hovering over the ocean, I had to wonder if it escaped the jaws of some sea bird only to be deposited over the ocean miles from the land with no rest for its flapping wings until the inevitable happens, but I still couldn't help thinking

"Go Moth go, for being where you arn't meant to be, I'm loving it"

I met miriam from Orkney by the directing of Gods Holy Spirit, and the help and gentle nudgeing from some friends, FRIENDS ARE BRILL. Orkney I will return to your many shores you have captured some of my heart, when that will be, well thats for God to know and to reveal in time.

Swam at Jon o Groats, well round the bay at least. Seals were 5 meters away they are really big and enquisitive creatures. Felt the icy north sea chill again as I lay in the waves and let its icy fingers wash the day from my skin. Ate tuna sandwhiches and drank home made soup whilst sitting on a rock looking at the ocean and listening to the sounds of the sea.

Rocked out to love ballads in the back of the car on the way back to edinburgh. Martin was teaching me air guitar it really is an art form and almost as difficult to master as its six stringed cousin! Martin, Jo and Dave are brillient.

Home is definatly were I wake with dribble on a pillow or even my sleave! But I am glad to be back near my roof so much so that I am going to sleep on it tonight amongst the chimney stacks and tv areals. I feel blessed when I am up there as God seems to send the swallows to dance in the sky for my pleasure. I did wonder weather they fell in love as there seemed to be a little bit more than a little flirting going on! If anyone in edin burgh would like to share my roof experience then do get in touch!!!