....... And then she woke up and realized it was all a dream.

All the stories that I wrote as a child (and there were quite a few) end like that.
The hero of the story was just a child dreaming. I am really not at all sure where I got that concept from? Maybe I was actually afraid of my imagination and where it took me or embarrassed by it. Was it a way of me clarifying to my elders and wisers that

"I know this can't really happen. See she woke up...."

I am realizing that I was always the character in my stories.
Though in reality I didn't sleep well as I child, I would wake in the night after having a nightmare, and get out of bed and sit outside my parents room. I was afraid to go in, in case they got angry because I woke them, just sitting outside their room felt safer than if I was in bed as I was afraid of going back to sleep. Funny thing is as an adult I spent six years trying to do nothing but sleep, being awake was more scary than being asleep. Weird cause when I did eventually wake up I realized unfortunately that it hadn't all been a dream....

The mist swam above the sea, carrying in each drop the fragrance of wood smoke and winter.

I played a slow game with the tide, chasing it out, standing on the concrete slabs as it licked around them. Chasing it further out as it grew more shy. I reached the yellow pole, my hands felt its barnacles and rust. I slung my arm around it like I would an old friend or a new friend. And we stood, me and the barnacley pole and I chatted with my creator- talking into the mist.

I told him of my fears, my hopes, my feelings that I don't deserve his grace and favor as much as he lavishes them on me, but I said it with fear that he could just withdraw it all at anytime.

I know that my inheritance is safe in him, and that I am living already in eternal life, but I also know that I signed up for hardship, pain and persecution- to share the cross, and yeah there is a part of me (a big part) that hopes this will never come.

What if all that I love and hold dear other than God was taken from me. Sometimes I wonder if I try not to love and hold things dear.

Morning...........

Today I realised that the pain I feel when I see my familly is my anger at God when I just wonder God what the fuck are you doing. Can't you give them a break. And then I don't want to see them cause I don't want to think this of you God, but I do just want to scream, then run away and not see them, then like tonight I see my Dad and I love him, and see Mum and I love her, and I just break inside when I see how hard they try, and how much they give out but still stuff is just so crap for them somthimes and I just want them to be happy, I just want things to go right for them for once, but it never seems to and it guts me, totally.....
Worst thing is I know I am meant to pray for them but I don't, haven't for about a month. I don't know what to pray, or how too.

Lord Please please please help them to find joy in their pain, and hope in there struggles. Thank you for the Hope that I have in you, all that you have done for me. You are amazing well you created the world, and yeah sorry I don't help to keep it beautiful. Holy Spirit I need you, more of you, when I am week your strength is made perfect..Phew thats a bit lucky. Lord that means your strength is made perfect in this situation too thank you. Amen

"A padded embroidered toilet seat"

Whats it all about???

Why don't I feel safe unless I have my back to a wall? Or an arm rest between me and the person I am talking to.

How do you do conversation? One minute your not talking, can't think of a word to say.
Then suddenly swept up in this wave of words that are just rushing to be said, then as quickly as they come they go, but even as you're speaking, you are wondering how its actually happening, where are they forming, somtimes it makes you laugh as you're speaking, and then you just have to say sorry, and try and explain that you're laughing because its just so wierd.

Talking's a real effort, so you'll have to excuse me if I don't do small talk..............